How Do I Set Boundaries?

We've heard a lot about setting boundaries in recent years, but what is it? And how do you set one? If you are like me, you might have the wrong idea of what that means.

Let's start with what it's not. It has nothing to do with making other people comply. We can not control other people's thoughts or actions. Instead it is about what we will do in a particular situation. It doesn't even have to be about someone else. You can set a boundary with yourself.

Setting a boundary is as simple as 'if _____, then _____.' Let me give you an example. Say you are going to a family member's house to celebrate a birthday. You know this person is likely to say something that you are not okay with. Maybe they like to make racist or otherwise inappropriate jokes and you don't want your kids around that. Remember, we can not force them to behave. So it is on you to control the situation. A boundary would look like: If he starts getting inappropriate, we are going to leave.

This can be done three different ways.

1. The first option is to not even tell the person about your boundary. That is a completely valid option. When the person starts their racist rant, you just discretely leave or make an excuse and leave. You aren't going to call them out or get in an argument. You are just going to bow out.

2. The second option is to tell the person ahead of time. This looks like pulling the person aside. (No need to cause a scene.) Then, simply tell them the boundary. Example: We both know you like to make jokes that I'm not okay with especially around my child. I just want to give you a heads up. If you start telling those jokes, my family and I will be leaving. (They have the right to speak their mind, but you don't have to stick around for it.)

3. The third option is taking the middle road. You decide that you won't bring it up unless they make a joke. Then you give the same boundary, but using the word 'again.' Example: You know I'm not okay with these jokes especially in front of my child. If it happens again, we will be leaving.

Now when you set a boundary, you have to be willing to follow through. There is no negotiating. No drama. If you want to say something when they try to get you to stay, you can say something like this: I'm not mad, but I will be sticking to my boundary. We can try again another time. Then, you have to be okay with them being upset. That's on them.

If you don't stick to your boundary, they will know that they can keep doing it and you will put up with it. Stay strong and follow through.

I mentioned earlier that you can even set a boundary with yourself. Why would you want to do that? Well, maybe you are trying to grow. I know that I've always had an issue with emotional eating. An example in that situation would be: If I start hunting around the kitchen and I know I'm not hungry, I will ________. (ex: meditate, call a friend to get my mind off of it, journal about why I'm looking for food, etc.) And just like with any other boundary, you have to follow through, or you brain will get the message that you don't really want to change. For that reason, you have to make it something doable. You probably are not going to want to go exercise when what you really want is a bag of chips. Make it something you would want to do.

If this was helpful, join my email list where I share more about topics like this. I'm passionate about emotional growth. It is what drives my inspiration for my paintings.