Is it Kindness or People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing can be a misleading term. Many people think it means they like to make people happy. I used to think this too. People-pleasing is not something to strive for. Kindness, on the other hand, is a worthy trait. The problem is some people may think they are being kind when they are actually people-pleasing. So, let's clear things up.

What is people-pleasing?

People-pleaser disregard their own wants and needs to keep someone else happy. The good and bad news is you can't control other people's emotions. You can only control your own thoughts and emotions. That means you can't keep them happy nor is it your responsibility. You will know you are people-pleasing by the way it feels. Do you feel dread or resentment? That is a dead giveaway that you are people-pleasing. It never feels good. You don't want to do the thing, but you do it to be "nice." The problem is you're not being nice to yourself. You are ignoring your thoughts and emotions in attempt to control someone else's which we have established is impossible. Saying no is not being selfish. You've just been trained to thing it is. Saying no honors your own boundaries and values.

So, when is it kindness?

You will know you are truly being kind when it feels good. You WANT to do the thing. When you stop people-pleasing, it doesn't mean you have to refuse to help anyone. Some of us are truly fueled by helping others. That is kindness as long as it is not at your detriment. If you are truly striving to be kind, be kind to yourself as well. Ask yourself: Is this something I want to do? Do I have time to do this? Do I have the emotional bandwidth to do this? Does this align with my values or goals? If any of those are a no, you have some more questions to ask. Is this something I'm not thrilled about but I choose to do because...(I promised myself I would, it aligns with my values). This shows up mostly with people in your immediate family, especially children. A recent scenario I had is a good example. Our 16 year old just got his first job. He may need a ride to work when I'm trying take a break or I may be in the middle of something. Even if I don't want to leave in that moment, I choose to because I've deemed that my responsibility and I want him to be able to work. When he was applying, I told him not to worry about my schedule. If he needs to be there, we will figure it out. So, if there are any negative feelings on my end, that is something for me to work out because I have chosen it.

The next time someone asks you to do something, check in with your body. Ask yourself the questions above. Just like with anything else, it will take some practice. It will be uncomfortable at first. Just remember the way the other person feels about it is on them, not you.

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